The Red-Headed Stepchild

i have an old friend staying with me for the next few days.

my detective is nervous about me. i guess we're even now. luckily, my dear detective, you have nothing to fear. we're cool.

i also had a dream about the detective...apparently to remind me that i can be jealous and possessive. doesn't the mind work in mysterious ways, heh heh heh...like i needed a dream to work that out. just another random character flaw. you know, what is the point of jealousy? PIC says it's a useless emotion. i haven't felt jealous in a while. Possessiveness, now that's a different story. logically, i can deal with my possessive behavior, name it, analyze it, understand it. this helps me but unfortunately does not prevent it from happening. guess i'm doomed. la la la thankfully PIC understands, as do most of my pals.

i had a nightmare last night. PIC was right, watching a movie about sex abuse right before one goes to bed may not be the catalyst for pleasant dreams. this time, at least, i did not wake up crying.

i used to doubt the reality of my abuse. apparently this is a common phenomenon. "no, my father didn't assault me, i'm crazy, i'm making it up, it was just a dream." whatever. very rarely these days do i revert to this. it seems as if once you really admit it to yourself there's no taking it back. i guess this is good. afterall i'm to the point where it feels better to have been abused than to be a really fucked up crazy person unable to distinguish between reality and fantasy. it's been a long time since i lived in that house with them. almost 10 years. unbelievable.

so it's been awhile.


every month for a week i turn into a lunatic. i cry. i snap at PIC. occasionally i hit things (not people). my mother used to blame her outbursts of rage on hormones. i never understood why she couldn't control herself why i was the target for her emotional rampages. poor PIC. i'm not even a quarter as bad as my mom but still...i imagine i wouldn't be as sweet or as patient in her shoes. i've wondered about the drugs that supposedly aid in the hormone induced emotional rollercoaster of PMS. i generally dislike taking pills. i certainly don't want an antidepressant or birth control or anything too closely related to either.

i feel better about the detective stuff now. PIC and i have been talking a LOT. we know what we're doing.

bottom line...i like the detective. i hope it works.

D is a pretty good friend of mine. D was born female but has decided recently to identify as a man. Basically she's going to become a man, or she is man, or i'm not sure what. but he/she is now referring to himself (ahhhhhhhhhh) herself as a female to male transexual aka FTM. this is a relatively new trend among butch dykes around here.

"relatively new trend" - okay, it's kind of new... but people have been gender fucking forever but for at least the past five or six years there's been a major increase in clinical FTM's... beginning in the northwest and trickling down slowly so that now it has finally reached my backwoods hometown.

D breaks my heart.

what if the detective isn't interested in me as a person at all...and really just wants sex?

i'm feeling vaguely anxious and nervous about the detective.

i'm feeling confused.

i'm afraid that my new friendship will somehow damage me and PIC.

it's just a feeling. PIC seems confident in US. i'm not confident in myself. i don't want to hurt PIC. At All.

the detective and i, this friendship is moving too quickly and it's been hard for me to slow down. tonight, at least i feel too exposed. it's so fucking confusing. what the hell is going on?

i need to slow the fuck down. i haven't been in my head enough. i don't know how to do this. i don't know how to have this friendship...i don't know what i'm doing. no, no, i know what i need to be doing, i'm just not doing it. that's it. okay. problem solved. i'll know this next time around.



it's my turn.