The Red-Headed Stepchild

i feel better about the detective stuff now. PIC and i have been talking a LOT. we know what we're doing.

bottom line...i like the detective. i hope it works.

D is a pretty good friend of mine. D was born female but has decided recently to identify as a man. Basically she's going to become a man, or she is man, or i'm not sure what. but he/she is now referring to himself (ahhhhhhhhhh) herself as a female to male transexual aka FTM. this is a relatively new trend among butch dykes around here.

"relatively new trend" - okay, it's kind of new... but people have been gender fucking forever but for at least the past five or six years there's been a major increase in clinical FTM's... beginning in the northwest and trickling down slowly so that now it has finally reached my backwoods hometown.

D breaks my heart.

what if the detective isn't interested in me as a person at all...and really just wants sex?

i'm feeling vaguely anxious and nervous about the detective.

i'm feeling confused.

i'm afraid that my new friendship will somehow damage me and PIC.

it's just a feeling. PIC seems confident in US. i'm not confident in myself. i don't want to hurt PIC. At All.

the detective and i, this friendship is moving too quickly and it's been hard for me to slow down. tonight, at least i feel too exposed. it's so fucking confusing. what the hell is going on?

i need to slow the fuck down. i haven't been in my head enough. i don't know how to do this. i don't know how to have this friendship...i don't know what i'm doing. no, no, i know what i need to be doing, i'm just not doing it. that's it. okay. problem solved. i'll know this next time around.



it's my turn.

i gave the detective the address to this site. He has since read it. What is it about the detective? i've been seeing him almost everyday-might as well be everyday. i have knowingly allowed him into my head, given him access to my heart, access to my thoughts too, via this blog. Can you tell me exactly why i have done this? and why is he doing this? i've asked, but i'm still wary of his answer...seems entirely too good to be true. where is the manipulation here? i'm having a difficult time locating it.

i'm not the easiest woman to be friends with. i don't think it will be any easier for my detective. it's hard- all this childhood stuff, it comes out. it seeps out of my pores like sweat and anyone close to me can't help but be tainted by it.

i don't want him to run away.

i expect him to.

i wish i knew what this man sees in me.

let's see...top ten reasons to keep cinderella around...anyone? anyone?
hopefully he doesn't need convincing.

on a side note, Damn it's hot. fellow new orleanians i know you feel my pain today. at least the humidity isn't so bad anymore.

and how could i forget. My badge wielding, sunglass wearing, gun toting superhero has magically solved my motor vehicle problems. ain't that a kick in the pants.

my time has been spent between PIC and the detective. Both relationships are going... amazingly enough, well.

The detective is awesome.

We've gotten um...closer.

So far so good, but i'm still nervous about is as hell.

PIC oh PIC. i was wrong when i said no one but myself surprises me. PIC surprises me with love and patience. PIC helps me heal.

the detective is helping too.

december 26

hi mom,
moving...i'm seriously considering moving away, maybe summer, maybe 7 or 8 months. i need to get away from Louisiana i need to get out of the south. i think living in another state would be good for me. i've never lived anywhere else for very long. i could get residency in california and finish school there. i don't know, it's just an idea.
i'm going crazy down here, nothing ever changes here. i've lived here my whole life, our whole family is here. why hasn't anyone ever left new orleans? i really want to leave, of course i would visit.
i remember you telling me that gramma wouldn't let you go to college out of the city and that you wanted to.
i don't grow well in this town. too many painful memories, too many things i can't accomplish so much is weighing me down.
anyway, i don't want to talk about this over the phone, but write me and we can talk about it through letters, okay?




December 27

Dear Cinderella,
First of all, i received a letter informing me that you dropped out of your courses for the coming semester. Are you ever going to graduate? I will drop off the letter. Also, have you taken care of your traffic fines and court? They are not fooling around and you should not be fooling around, you will find yourself without a driver's license (she sure was right, huh?) or without car insurance...you must see about this now. I am being serious. Please see to this matter immediately!Please start taking responsibility for yourself...you may think you have but you certainly have not. You are living in your own little world, doing what you want and ignoring the real world. You say you are not growing, well you are not and won't until you start taking responsibility for yourself and your actions. Stop hiding and come out into the world...try to forget the past, put it behind you, it's not impossible. Everyone does this sooner or later.
You are a very intelligent and beautiful woman, yes, a woman...please stop hiding it....stop being afraid...you are afraid...let it go, try a little everyday...look into the mirror every morning, take a good deep look...and say i am intelligent, i am beautiful, I am a real person, i will succeed no matter what, I will fight the demons, they will not win...I will be strong....I am Cinderella and I am a good and wonderful human being with a lot of potential. Come out from hiding behind those "don't look at me" clothes, put on some makeup, fix your hair, go out into the world and knock them over. It only takes one little step forward every day, baby steps. Face your responsibilities and deal the them one at a time. You have to start with yourself, look at the girls you went to high school with, they are moving ahead, growing, having a start at a good life. You can still have your ideas of feminism and lesbianism but you can be a little more subtle about it. People are human, they don't like when people flaunt it or throw it in their faces all of the time. You can accomplish more if you play the game. Please get back to the real world, take care of yourself, physically, emotionally, outwardly so. Appearances do make a difference no matter what you think or say...start looking like you care for yourself...by looking attractive goes a long way in this world...that's just the way it is. You are beautiful, why hide it, make it at asset. People will react to you differently, the world, Cinderella. I'm not talking about the people you hang around with. Stop running away from yourself, you are hiding behind those clothes and lack of makeup. Come out, push yourself forward....try it for 6 weeks if you have the courage, you have intelligence, you have the beauty, stop hiding...dress and wear makeup and see what happens, see how people react to you, what they say. I bet you will start to feel better about everything. Fight the demons everyday, tell them they will not win...you are stronger, you will succeed. it takes time and effort but it is worth it, it is a start to your feeling good about yourself....please believe me...please have the courage to try it. It would be a new start for you, you don't have to go to a new state, you have to start with YOURSELF first. You can never run away from yourself and that is what you would be doing. Change yourself here first, then you can move if you want. Try it for 6 weeks, change your appearance, tell yourself EVERY morning that you are beautiful, you are intelligent, you are a true person, you will not hide but take charge and get out into the real world. I challenge you to try, just to see what happens...you will be pleasantly surprised...you will start to feel good....and happy! Forget about the past. Set your goals and go about to reach them. I love you, MOM.


ok, does this seem fucked up to you? if not, just wait.

december 27

Mother,
We are different. i don't believe that putting on makeup and wearing "nice" clothing will help me "forget" the fact that my father, your exhusband molested me for 11 years. I don't believe that i am required to forget anything that happened to me in MY LIFE. if you want to forget and put on a happy face and make yourself feel better by wearing makeup and denying the truth, then that is fine with me. but i WILL NOT LIVE LIKE THAT. i am completely in awe that you would suggest that i am not living in reality....that conforming to YOUR beauty standards would somehow make me a happier person. as if i am some tragic pitiful person whose only problem is my refusal to wear Ann Taylor clothing... i will have you know mother that i am aware enough of my attractiveness. i don't hide in my clothing i live in my clothing...and i like the way i look in it. i don't like makeup...i think it's fake, i like looking real. i DON'T have to conform to anything that i don't want to. my looks have nothing to do with my "happiness". i am beautiful. i am smart and funny and kind and creative and talented and lovable and i could go on. i don't care if you don't like the way i look. i don't care if you don't like me. i don't care if you think i'm crazy. i don't care if you there are "demons" i'm fighting when my demons in reality are you and dad and the dynamics of this whole fucking family. i am tired of lying. i am tired of pretending. i am TIRED of putting on a fake happy face to PLEASE you. i am NOT the one who isn't facing reality. Look at yourself a little closer mother. what have you done with your life? what men have you chosen to spend your time with? an alcoholic, a fucking child abuser pedophile, and another alcoholic with shall i say a bit of a temper? do you even know ho you are? is anything important to you besides being popular and pretty? what is real to you? money? appearances? society? what people with think? and how many honest conversations have you had in your life? any at all? how many real emotions do you show, how many do you feel? I'm not the one who is living a fucking lie.

how dare you even suggest to me that i'm not living in reality? you spend your entire life denying the truth. you spent my entire childhood ignoring the TRUTH. you don't know me at all. you don't listen to me, you don't pay attention. you never really HEAR me. and i have really tried, i have worked my ass off trying to share ME with you. but you keep ignoring me, not listening, not paying attention, not believing. and it's not okay, but i've tried to accept it. you don't seem to want to know me. it's okay, it's okay because you can't handle reality but i don't want to live like that, i will not live like that and i won't pretend to just so you can keep lying to yourself. i am more important than that.

I'm trying to take care of myself the way that you and dad NEVER did. i am loving myself and being kind to myself and holding myself the way you never did. i am comforting myself the way you SHOULD have but did not.

so yes, i am going to save money so i can get the fuck out of this city. and NO i will not wear makeup and skirts and "pretty" clothing as an experiment. NO I WILL NOT FORGET THE PAST. and do not EVER suggest to me again that i don't have courage. you don't know what it is.
Cinderella


december 28

Cinderella, yes we don't think alike, yes i do put on a happy face....that does not mean that I am in any type of denial or not facing reality...we just have different ways in facing the world and problems. And don't ever tell me that i didn't hold you, you seem to remember only what you want to remember....i was always there for you, i did always protect you...you say Dad molested you, well, why didn't you say something to me way back then, just how was i supposed to know that....i wasn't in your room or wherever it happened, i didn't hear or see what you say. i had no idea and you NEVER said anything to that effect. and why didn't you scream out or tell someone...how do you know that you were, you once said you may have dreamed it, you once thought that maybe i had done something to you. (by the way she read that in a journal entry of mine) If you really believe that, you have serious problems and should be seeing a psychiatrist and not a social worker. I loved you from your birth. i know it doesn't matter to you that i was home every day after school or that i went to every single one of your plays even if it shown 2 or 3 times in one day and went to every game you were ever in. so you think i was never there for you, i didn't protect you or give you enough love...well i gave you all that i could. So you have nothing but criticism for me...well, i guess you are right. We are better just communicating by email...don't come over, don't visit...run, run, run away...you do, whether you want to believe it or not. You are the one in denial and in need of serious help, and more than a social worker. Also you can forget about me wasting any more money on you...more money down the drain. I will love you no matter how you look but most employers in high ranking jobs do care about how their employees look and dress and appearances do make a difference...but go ahead and live in your own world...you be happy in yours and i will be happy in mine. i like my world, i like my friends and i certainly like myself; i have nothing to be ashamed about. i do not DWELL on the past. i live and learn from mistakes made....but then I move on, you don't...that's you...but i think i have a happier outlook and I AM NOT in denial about anything. I am not dumb, the world would certainly be a sour place if everyone went around showing the sadness they feel or the unhappiness they feel. I would rather see smiles, that doesn't mean issues are not being dealt with. Good luck Cinderella. I hope one day you can get it all together, and you stop being in denial.



december 28

you can think what you want to think, again, you don't know me. I don't go around all pity me and sad sad all the time. you DON'T FUCKING KNOW ME. don't assume anything about me. i'm not crazy and i don't need a psychiatrist. yeah yeah, always at home after school, baking cakes and going to all of my plays. blah blah blah. where were you when i cried myself to sleep. where were you when dad screamed and yelled? where were you when he punched and kicked? where were you when i sat on the toilet and watched him watching me? where were you while he bathed me? where were you when he tucked me in at night. yes, blame me mom. gee, i was a little girl, and you made it so easy to talk to you, didn't you? you gave me SO much of your time and affection. you know i don't remember you ever TOUCHING me not at all. not holding me. not hugging me, not anything like that. you still don't. you only touch me when i touch you. i remember you being this childlike but distant mother i couldn't get close to. i remember not being able to rely on you. i remember playing alone a lot. i remember being alone a lot, in the attic, outside, in the tree. i don't remember ever really feeling like a child. i don't remember ever being able to depend on anyone but myself. i remember you quiet, in the corner of my eye when dad would get mad. i remember you never doing anything to stop him. i remember you telling me not to worry, so nonchalantly, that it would be okay. i remember my feelings never counting for anything. i remember having no privacy. i remember being scared. i remember being scared scared scard. i remember KNOWING that NO ONE would protect me. i remember knowing i had to protect myself. i remember pulling away from you as a little girl because you wouldn't take care of me, wouldn't protect me. how could i have expected you to protect me from what you didn't see, when you didn't protect me from what you DID SEE? i remember feeling so different. i remember thinking all dad's, all men act like that. you know MOM, he didn't have to FUCK me for it to be sexual abuse. but fingers and rubbing and looking and staring and using dirty words and i could go on and on...and smelling ooh, smelling mom he liked to smell me, touch me....oh of course sometimes it was under the guise of being silly or sweet or funny, just joking around, it's not real, hahaha. oh oh oh no it didn't happen every day. it didn't happen every week. it didn't need to, did it? he wasn't scary all the time. sometimes he was wonderful with those big bear hugs and sweetness on saturdays. and funny funny, yes he made me laugh, my goodness i was such a baby. such a little girl. young young alone. confused. confused, that's a big one. so confused and you so childish and yet i don't remember playing with you. you were always background to me...never quite in focus, somewhere on the outskirts of my life. i don't remember much of you. as i got older, yes i remember you. 11, 12, 13 i remember not feeling good enough, i remember feeling like i was bad and dirty and disgusting, i remember you reinforcing that. i remember feeling ashamed and embarrassed about everything. i remember you hating me. i remember not being able to do anything right. i remember hating you for what you did and didn't do. i remember having no control over anything. i remember having no locks on my doors. i remember feeling guilty guilty guilty ashamed. guilt and shame, wow so much.
Cinderella


december 28

You want to be angry at me, fine, but you WILL NOT make me feel guilty ever!!! i was the best mother i could be to you...you have a poor memory or as i have said you remember only what you want or dream up what you think it was like or imagine it. If you have a problem with Dad, then voice your anger to him!!!I WAS ALWAYS there for you, i most certainly hugged and played with you. i made you laugh, you had fun, you were happy...maybe you should go back and look at the old photos of yourself...you would see a happy little girl...not what you describe. I think you have too many VC Andrews books in your head because that is what you are describing...you are confusing reality with all of your readings, it seems.

And just how did i make you feel dirty or not good enough or bad or disgusting??? How did i make you feel ashamed or embarrassed? and i never hated you or showed hatred toward you...ever...you are again confusing reality with the books you used to read and THAT IS THE TRUTH!!!TO MY GRAVE!!!! you don't think you were loved or supported...well you just don't have a very good memory. And i'm not so sure anymore, i think again that you have greatly exaggerated about Dad and maybe YOU made things out to be dirty when they were actually innocent!!! I think you should confront Dad about what he supposedly did.

I hope one day you will be the perfect Mom. What goes around comes around, so we will just see.


december 30

i'm not dreaming things up. i haven't read too many books. i'm not imagining anything, i'm not lying. i'm not dirty. i'm not crazy. i'm not psychotic. You are in denial. YOU don't remember everything. You only remember what you WANT to remember. I don't have that option. i remember things i would rather forget. i remember things i wish never happened. I wish i could make it go away. i wish i wish it wasn't true, i wish i was crazy and none of this was real. Do you think i would make things up or confuse myself with a character in a novel when it is so PAINFUL? do you think i feel good about all this? do you think it doesn't hurt, do you think i don't hurt? can you imagine what i feel like? can you imagine going weeks without a full nights rest because you have nightmares? can you imagine constantly singing to yourself or telling yourself stories just so you can keep the memories away? can you imagine imagine YOUR FATHER doing things to you? How does it make you feel? just thinking about that it could be true is uncomfortable and disgusting. now imagine that it IS TRUE. i'm not going to let you rewrite my life for me. i KNOW what is true. you can NOT take that away from me. I AM NOT making it up. imagine how i feel, mom. just imagine. can you do that? how can you say that i made it dirty? how can you say that he is innocent and i was the dirty one? i was a child. i was a child. I WAS A CHILD. do you understand that? HE NEVER SHOULD HAVE TOUCHED MY FUCKING VAGINA EVER. HE NEVER SHOULD HAVE SAID THINGS TO ME. HE NEVER SHOULD HAVE STARED AT ME ALL THE FUCKING TIME WHILE I WAS NAKED. HE NEVER SHOULD HAVE DONE THOSE THINGS TO ME. I DIDN'T MAKE IT DIRTY. HE DID. I WAS A CHILD A CHILD A CHILD. WHAT FATHER'S TOUCH THEIR DAUGHTER'S VAGINAS? WHAT FATHERS TOUCH THEIR DAUGHTER'S BODY AFTER they are five or six or even seven years old? what father's discuss their daughter's body parts? what father has lewd conversations with their kid? what fathers talk about their daughter's breasts or ass or hips? what fathers do this mom? what fathers wash their daughters vaginas with their fingers? their fingers? fingers? what fathers crawl on top of their half naked daughters and do god knows what....i don't' even remember everything...did papa do that to you?
do you think i like this? do you do you do you? do you like it? I HATE THIS I HATE IT I HATE IT. It feels horrible. it feels disgusting, it feels wrong, it feels it feels NASTY. DO YOU UNDERSTAND I AM NOT LYING. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. WHY WON'T YOU BELIEVE ME? what good would it do to make this up? what would be my purpose? to fuck myself up? what, to hurt you? tell me why would i lie? AND you even told me you thought he was weird. you told me he embarrassed you, he did all those weird things. you KNOW i'm not lying. YOU have GOT TO KNOW that i am not lying. i'm not i'm not. I'm not making it up, my memories are not stories from a book. i'm not making it up.
Please mom please please please. i'm not crazy. i'm not crazy. please. you KNOW it's true. i know you do, somewhere you KNOW i'm not lying, you know, you're MY MOTHER you have got to know it's true, you know. think about it, think about it, think about the way i was. think about it. just think about it. think about not pretending. think about the ways i acted. think think. try to remember, please. think about how he acted towards me. think about how he singled me out. think about it. please please. you know i'm not lying you know this. please.

Cinderella


December 31

Yes, i believe you...yes the feelings will go away and i hope for your sake it will be soon. I believe now that you have openly said what happened you will being to heal. i love you.
Mom

I know you know this, but not all men are bad or evil...there are good and kind men in the world, full of true love, understanding and giving of self...i hope someone like this will come to us both....i have faith that it will happen. I am not saying to change your lifestyle, not at all....but i believe that there is some wonderful man or men out there....soon to make an appearance. Mom

i do love you, yes you are not crazy and i am glad you have finally told me in words exactly what he did to you, it is worse than disgusting!!! i am truly sorry but i did not have a clue. i am sorry that i was not there for you at the time. Mom


The day my mom wrote these last few emails to me, she also forwarded all the emails i wrote to her to my father. i know this because he called me 9:00 and left a message on my machine. i only listened to the first sentence which was "Your mother forwarded me..." when i asked Mom why she had done it she said, "I was upset."

I never planned to confront my father, my mom knew this. i never wanted to hear him deny what he did to me. i never wanted to feel like maybe i am making it up.

What follows is my father's response to my emails. he wrote the letter to my mother (i broke into her email...i guessed that he would write her, i figured out her password.)



Monday, December 31, 2001

Dear Lynn (my mom), I just read the email messages Cinderella sent to you. I think it's time you realized Cinderella is fantasizing and really living a twisted and vindictive existence. I feel that you have endured enough of her vengeful and hateful slurs. She IS living in a fantasy world looking for us to blame and obviously escalating her delusions to a point as to accuse me of molesting her so she can rationalize her behavior. The hatefulness in her notes is obvious and malicious and I for one will not tolerate it. She has always belittled, denigrated, and abused both you and i because she refused to submit to any authority whether it was parental or otherwise. She refuses to live within any rules that society or family would have her bound to. it is time for this abuse to come to an end. you have spent your adult life trying to reach, protect and counsel her. i have stood up for her when she was a child, when she was a teenager and have put myself at risk emotionally and financially to give her things she didn't appreciate and/or deserve. i have tried to give her unemotional advice and counsel. i have tried time after time in the past five years to reach out to her. She only wants to find excuses for her own inadequacies and her own failures and you and i are the convenient targets.
Based on the notes you sent me i am not calling her again. i'm terribly hurt and upset that a child that i care about so deeply is able to concoct scenes in her mind to justify her own failures. and she is right about one thing. She does need to go on her own and not subject either you or i to this abuse any more. i for one am done with her as long as she is so venomous and hateful. i pity her. if she hates us so much for her own delusional reasons then she needs to not communicate with either you or i and she needs to go her own miserable way.

i'm too angry and upset to go on any more. You and i do not deserve this from this adolescent. SHE NEEDS TO GROW UP AND SHE NEVER WILL BECAUSE SHE IS AN ANTISOCIAL SOCIOPATHIC PERSONALITY THAT CANNOT LIVE OR BE BOUND BY SOCIETIES LAWS AND RULES.
I'M SORRY LYNN THIS IS ABSOLUTELY TOO MUCH TO BEAR FROM HER!!!

she just doesn't want reality.

Doug

once upon a time i was a little girl and my father molested me.
once upon a time.

once upon a time
once upon a time

not too many years ago i thought i understood the repercussions of this. once i thought that i knew everything there was to know. cause and effect cause and effect

i keep finding effects.

why is it that things i barely remember cling to my consciousness and invade every aspect of my world? how come no matter how much i analyze and read and dream and THINK about it healing evades me. how i continue to encounter more problems more...just shit... i have to work out about My self sort of surprises me. funny how no one can ever surprise me but myself.

once upon a time i told my mother.
once upon a time not too long ago. 3yrs this new year since the letters i wrote to her via email even though i pass her house at least weekly during my afternoon jaunts for coffee and conversation.

the letters. at least six or seven of them baring the parts of my soul i could to her. as much dirtiness and shame as i could handle. it was enough. my letters were TRUTH. they were pain and grief and ANGER and lonely. i told her enough for her to know. maybe i will post them i have her responses, i printed them out.

you know i come home from work excited finally to have a day off tomorrow. i've been working nine freaking hour days for the past twelve days and PIC decides today is the day to be obtuse... and obnoxious i might add. you would think that as my partner she'd be a bit more sympathetic and caring instead of selfish. now she's laying down in "her" room (which she never goes into) cause she has a headache she wants to get rid of before work. she says our conversation is boring. she wants something new to talk about. something new, i haven't had time for anything new in 12 f@!$%ing days! i'm tired my back hurts i've got emotional shit going on...

sometimes i feel like she doesn't hear me.

this makes me sad, saying the same thing over and over again in different ways trying to get a response from her. trying to get an answer...something.

it also makes me angry.

sometimes i feel like she has it easy. she works less (sometimes significantly less) i do the majority of the cleaning, i take care of the cats, i pay for more shit, i give more (at least in my opinion) i listen more. god, maybe i could go on.

and sometimes i want a break...i don't want to clean or entertain or find interesting things to talk about. i don't want to listen.

2yrs we've been together.

i love her.

sometimes i want to smack her.

or shake her.

this sucks.

Do you ever wish that there was a simple test you could take that would determine exactly how crazy you are? just so you'd know for sure?

friday will be my first day off in twelve days...ahh the overworked life of a barrista. i can't wait. i think i'm just gonna sleep.

i wonder how long it's going to take for the detective to make his move. he's asked me twice to "watch a movie" at his place however it's going to take much more than that to get this lesbo in the sack. it's scary that he even has a chance. it's the wooing (is that a word) yes he's courting me for sure, opening doors, offering jackets, buying aspirin and lunch among other things. Being very gentle and i've never really experienced this before...especially not with someone so much older. it's intimidating and exciting and damn... the whole detective bit is f@!*ing sexy.


i skipped the gym today.

i spent time with v.


PIC and i need to go camping. it's a physical need for us and our best and happiest moments are always with the land. we need to recharge.

maybe i'm thinking about the detective too much.

So, the detective is pretty cool. we had lunch then went back to his place. he left his window open and it rained we went to close it. yeah, he's good considering i had no intention of actually going into his apartment and he got me there in less than an hour. it was okay though. no pressure no sexual advances (yet at least) and i can handle that.

the more time i spend with him the more i like him.

so i posted something before this but my lack of sleep and daily intake of thc has erased the name and password i used from my memory. oh well. i didn't know what to write last time anyway. something new. the Detective...a man who has been frequenting my coffee shop and chatting me up (chatting me up by aiding me in my six year long quest to pay my speeding tickets) is now a bit more complicated part of my life.

quest (def.)- completely avoiding the problem to the point that i am threatened with the revocation of my driving priveledges Forever. also ignoring bad things till they pile up and bite me in the ass.

the detective offered his services after one cup of coffee and some commonality. he is a detective in the sex crimes unit (this by the way seems unreal, and oddly enough, amusing. don't these people only exist on tv or the news not conversing with a 26 yr old in coffee shop usa.) anyway, he's in the UNIT and i worked with rape victims and domestic violence (for a few years before non profit/non funding caused a death to my position) not to forget that not too many years ago my dad was sex criming me to a certain death barely avoided through soul finding and illegal drugs, friends and PIC.

PIC (partner in crime) - she is my love my roomie best friend

PIC and i are gay women by the way.

the detective and i are going to lunch tomorrow. the detective is probably 30yrs older than me. i should mention we started chatting only 4 days ago. i should mention that i have a hard time with men.

i like the detective a lot.

this freaks me out

big time

BIG TIME

hard time with men. this means that every man in my life i've ever gotten even a little close to has messed with me. this means that when i get involved in any way shape or form with a man it messes up my head. for the past five or six years or so i have avoided this by avoiding men, straight men. it's been easy especially since i'm a lesbo. easy at least not to like them or to give myself even the Chance to like them. this is bad i know. how can i cut myself off from 50% of the population? they're not all bad, right? and considering how i preach about balance how OUT of balance is a life with no men?

i'm going to try to not lose it. more later.