that's me
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
i have an old friend staying with me for the next few days.
my detective is nervous about me. i guess we're even now. luckily, my dear detective, you have nothing to fear. we're cool.
my detective is nervous about me. i guess we're even now. luckily, my dear detective, you have nothing to fear. we're cool.
Saturday, November 08, 2003
i also had a dream about the detective...apparently to remind me that i can be jealous and possessive. doesn't the mind work in mysterious ways, heh heh heh...like i needed a dream to work that out. just another random character flaw. you know, what is the point of jealousy? PIC says it's a useless emotion. i haven't felt jealous in a while. Possessiveness, now that's a different story. logically, i can deal with my possessive behavior, name it, analyze it, understand it. this helps me but unfortunately does not prevent it from happening. guess i'm doomed. la la la thankfully PIC understands, as do most of my pals.
i had a nightmare last night. PIC was right, watching a movie about sex abuse right before one goes to bed may not be the catalyst for pleasant dreams. this time, at least, i did not wake up crying.
i used to doubt the reality of my abuse. apparently this is a common phenomenon. "no, my father didn't assault me, i'm crazy, i'm making it up, it was just a dream." whatever. very rarely these days do i revert to this. it seems as if once you really admit it to yourself there's no taking it back. i guess this is good. afterall i'm to the point where it feels better to have been abused than to be a really fucked up crazy person unable to distinguish between reality and fantasy. it's been a long time since i lived in that house with them. almost 10 years. unbelievable.
i used to doubt the reality of my abuse. apparently this is a common phenomenon. "no, my father didn't assault me, i'm crazy, i'm making it up, it was just a dream." whatever. very rarely these days do i revert to this. it seems as if once you really admit it to yourself there's no taking it back. i guess this is good. afterall i'm to the point where it feels better to have been abused than to be a really fucked up crazy person unable to distinguish between reality and fantasy. it's been a long time since i lived in that house with them. almost 10 years. unbelievable.
Thursday, November 06, 2003
so it's been awhile.
every month for a week i turn into a lunatic. i cry. i snap at PIC. occasionally i hit things (not people). my mother used to blame her outbursts of rage on hormones. i never understood why she couldn't control herself why i was the target for her emotional rampages. poor PIC. i'm not even a quarter as bad as my mom but still...i imagine i wouldn't be as sweet or as patient in her shoes. i've wondered about the drugs that supposedly aid in the hormone induced emotional rollercoaster of PMS. i generally dislike taking pills. i certainly don't want an antidepressant or birth control or anything too closely related to either.
every month for a week i turn into a lunatic. i cry. i snap at PIC. occasionally i hit things (not people). my mother used to blame her outbursts of rage on hormones. i never understood why she couldn't control herself why i was the target for her emotional rampages. poor PIC. i'm not even a quarter as bad as my mom but still...i imagine i wouldn't be as sweet or as patient in her shoes. i've wondered about the drugs that supposedly aid in the hormone induced emotional rollercoaster of PMS. i generally dislike taking pills. i certainly don't want an antidepressant or birth control or anything too closely related to either.
